He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
