Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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