im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i think im in europe. pls send help
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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