Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
