I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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