Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
My feet surprised me
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
