if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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