I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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