you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
