A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
