His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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