got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
