Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
