My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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