Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
