I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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