dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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