What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
