i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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