It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
im calling her cock vulture from now on
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
