I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
