I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
