Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
