Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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