9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize