Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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