I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
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