Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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