haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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