i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
