Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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