On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
