1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
A bitchslap is in order.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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