you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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