Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
