two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
