Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
