I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
