I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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