We named our party play list daddy issues
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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