I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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