just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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