Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm too high and old for this...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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