remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
