so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
