Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
