How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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