Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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