im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize