His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
