Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
