looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
