i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I didn't notice because vodka
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
