I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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