Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
