I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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